Lights will Guide.

When you feel like giving up on somebody. Try remembering why you held on for so long.

If not Tomorrow..

Dear Claire,

Okay, where to start? You'll probably never read this. In fact, chances are that it won't ever reach you. I'm probably just writing this for myself, ya’know, for therapeutic reasons. I guess I should just say all of this stuff, especially by now. But it helps to write things down ya’know, or else I’ll stutter and forget and generally make an idiot of myself. It's September 3rd today that means it would have been our 2-years-and-6-month-aversary. You always complained that one month anniversaries were for twelve year olds. But you always kinda liked the idea so happy hypothetical month-anniversary. I know you'd probably roll your eyes at me for bringing that up. And i am aware that it has been well over a year now since you left. Well one year, 3 months and 16 days. I think right now i finished the process you know, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that you're not going to come back ever. And i think I’m out of the phase were I just lie on the floor hoping that you'll just turn up at my door step. You know what, I’m doing okay. Getting there. Baby steps... I’ve even um... I’ve even sort of been seeing a girl. Jess, is her name. They keep telling me it's uh ya’know it's a positive step in getting over you, and stuff. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl but different. It's funny, your muscles have a certain memory about them. That's why we can tie our shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other, ya’know. The warmth of your back, the pace of your heartbeat, your tickly eyelashes and the way your fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don't know the language. It's a scary thing. And she voluntarily eats celery... Who does that? You know, people are always going on about "You'll find someone else. There's plenty more fish in the sea." Well you know what, i feel like a friggin fish in a bucket. I've been reading lots, nonfiction mostly, did i ever tell you about the theory of the multiverse? It says there's an infinite amount of hypothetical universes parallel to ours that contain every single possible circumstances. Kinda got me thinking, ya’know. Means that somewhere there might be a world in which the 15th of February we never had that argument. And i didn't say all those things i didn't mean, and you didn't walk away without another word. Or maybe there's another world in which I chased after you. We'd still be together and catch the train together and do coupley things and have bubble tea with those god awful slimy globules of jelly which I hate. Sometimes, in my way i walk past your house. And every time I do, I get this weird urge to knock on the door, which is stupid because i know you wouldn't answer it. Well in any case, it's technically your old house now. Your... Nowadays your quite far away with your new life, ya’know. I wonder if you even remember me sometimes. I... I wish you'd talk to me, give me some vague sign that you do remember. ‘Cause you know what? I... I'm not doing well... Life is actually pretty shit. Look at me, I’ve gone this whole page without using the L word once so far. But looking at it objectively, realistically I... Let's say that I still love you... And i'm kind of afraid i won't ever really stop. I hope they're treating you well up there... ‘Cause I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Sonny

Think.

Thinking is important.
Talking, the same.
But never talk,
Until you've thought first.

Silence is only golden if you've been using it the right way.

Uhm.

Hm.

Where to start.

Really.

I should really hang with my O'boro posse more. We have epic late night adventures.


WARNING: Some party animals were harmed in the making.

Amusement.

You know,
I'm okay.
And that random girl at Dippin'Dotz made my freaking life.
"What's up with you?"
"What?"
"You. YOU. What's up with you."
"... Uh."
"Something wrong?"
"Uh. Just people, I guess."
"FUCK THEM. All of them. Ice cream will make it better. BYE!"
"..."
Band Trip 2011 = Epic to none other level.

If Ever.

Know what? Fuck this shit.
Dad got about a mile outside of Florida before a Georgia State Trooper picked him up. Mom put a warrant out for him for not paying child support. He payed his bail. But he hasn't called since. I don't know where he went. Niether do my grandparents. Or Uncle Hugh. Or Melissa. Or Kenny. Or anyone.
He was on his way to see me.

I get angry easily.
I'm melodramatic.
I have no self confidence.
I have no sense of style.
I have no real devotion to anything.
I don't believe in any diety.
I emotionally abuse my girlfriend.
I have a dead beat father that kills people for money.
I have an ignorant mother that teaches people she hates for no money.
I have a job cleaning up blood and vomit.
Don't have a clue what I'm doing for my senior project.
Slowly deleting facebook friends.
Such a life. I did this to my self.

Now that I've pointed out all the things everyone already knew about. Let's talk about some real shit.

People talk about other people, because they're self-conscious about themselves. They'll argue that all night. They'll make some good points. But deep down it'll bother them. Because they know you're right. They have issues. We all do. Some people just pick on other people's for the sake of distracting themselves from their own issues. The long they don't have to worry about themselves, the better. Maybe it'll work for them.
Maybe it won't.
But I won't be there for them when it all comes crashing down.

You're a slut.
You're a pothead.
You're a drunk.
You're a redneck.
You're a nerd.
You're a jock.
You're a jesus freak.

But; here's what I see.

You were hurt. So you won't care.
You can't deal with reality. So you make your own.
You have things you want to forget. So you forget.
You can't control your life. So you control an animal's.
You don't know anything. So you learn everything.
You're weak. So you want to be strong.
You want to know that there's someone that'll never let you down. So you believe in anything.

Called Sally, Melissa, Kenny, Granny, Pop, Jerylin, and Hugh. Still can't find him. But got to talk to Hugh.

"We put up new walls. Every day. Just to keep the pain from getting to us. But do you know what? It'll get to you anyway. Some people just accept it faster. And you, kid? You've already accepted it. Now you just have to wait. Look at your Dad. He takes lives. I don't know why. I've never asked him. I don't want to know. Because it's his beef with life. Somewhere along the line, he stopped caring about anything. He doesn't give a shit about the money. He doesn't care about revenge for 9/11 or any of that bull. He just does it. Because it's all he knows how I guess. He never really figured anything else out. Straight out of tech college, and into the infantry. That's how he did it. Since 89' or something, I think, he's been raising a rifle, pulling the trigger, and ending someone's life. And doesn't let it bother him. Because he's doing all he knows how. Being a soldier. He's a fighter. It's in your blood. It's all he knows. That's true for everyone. They figure something out, and stick with it, because they haven't figured anything else out. Don't worry about anyone else's issues. Just get your own sorted out. BUT. Be sure of this. He cares about you. He'll call me hot from Afghanistan or Azerbaijian or wherever, and he'll never shut the fuck up about gettin' to see you when he gets back. If one person on this planet loves you. It's him. But it's not just him. That girl you've got, it sounds like she loves you. You just need to say "Fuck It" to all that bullshit they throw at you about it. Take my word for it. I might fight with Cathy every damn day for the twenty-something years of marrige, but at the end I still love her to death. Hell. I'd quit my job and sell the Camaro if I had to to stay with her. If you feel that way about someone. Fight like you're the last fucking human being alive to keep her, him. Whoever. Keep them. Fight. And never stop until you're dead. And as for that bitch you live with? Forget her. She's always been like that. I haven't done a damned thing to her and she's still a bitch to me. Don't let her get to you. Because it's what she wants. It's what they all want. But hey. I got work in the morning. I gotta' go. Oh, and hey! There's not just one person. There's at least two. I love you too Park. Stay in the fight."
My family isn't crazy. My uncle just proved that to me. They're all real straight shooters when they're sober.