If not Tomorrow..

Dear Claire,

Okay, where to start? You'll probably never read this. In fact, chances are that it won't ever reach you. I'm probably just writing this for myself, ya’know, for therapeutic reasons. I guess I should just say all of this stuff, especially by now. But it helps to write things down ya’know, or else I’ll stutter and forget and generally make an idiot of myself. It's September 3rd today that means it would have been our 2-years-and-6-month-aversary. You always complained that one month anniversaries were for twelve year olds. But you always kinda liked the idea so happy hypothetical month-anniversary. I know you'd probably roll your eyes at me for bringing that up. And i am aware that it has been well over a year now since you left. Well one year, 3 months and 16 days. I think right now i finished the process you know, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that you're not going to come back ever. And i think I’m out of the phase were I just lie on the floor hoping that you'll just turn up at my door step. You know what, I’m doing okay. Getting there. Baby steps... I’ve even um... I’ve even sort of been seeing a girl. Jess, is her name. They keep telling me it's uh ya’know it's a positive step in getting over you, and stuff. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl but different. It's funny, your muscles have a certain memory about them. That's why we can tie our shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other, ya’know. The warmth of your back, the pace of your heartbeat, your tickly eyelashes and the way your fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don't know the language. It's a scary thing. And she voluntarily eats celery... Who does that? You know, people are always going on about "You'll find someone else. There's plenty more fish in the sea." Well you know what, i feel like a friggin fish in a bucket. I've been reading lots, nonfiction mostly, did i ever tell you about the theory of the multiverse? It says there's an infinite amount of hypothetical universes parallel to ours that contain every single possible circumstances. Kinda got me thinking, ya’know. Means that somewhere there might be a world in which the 15th of February we never had that argument. And i didn't say all those things i didn't mean, and you didn't walk away without another word. Or maybe there's another world in which I chased after you. We'd still be together and catch the train together and do coupley things and have bubble tea with those god awful slimy globules of jelly which I hate. Sometimes, in my way i walk past your house. And every time I do, I get this weird urge to knock on the door, which is stupid because i know you wouldn't answer it. Well in any case, it's technically your old house now. Your... Nowadays your quite far away with your new life, ya’know. I wonder if you even remember me sometimes. I... I wish you'd talk to me, give me some vague sign that you do remember. ‘Cause you know what? I... I'm not doing well... Life is actually pretty shit. Look at me, I’ve gone this whole page without using the L word once so far. But looking at it objectively, realistically I... Let's say that I still love you... And i'm kind of afraid i won't ever really stop. I hope they're treating you well up there... ‘Cause I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Sonny